Form vs. Function

I wear these stupid things called “midi-rings.” They sit on your finger after your first knuckle and don’t go past the second. They have a tendency to fall off when you wash your hands and disappear during drunken nights. I constantly have to refresh my supply. Thank goodness I buy them cheap, otherwise I’d be throwing away too much dough. Once I had a man ask me: “WHAT IS THAT? Isn’t it annoying?” Yeah, dude. It’s honestly a bitch to keep track of these. Sometimes I have to take them off at work because when I start typing on a keyboard they automatically want to slide off.

Every time I wear a hat I have to ensure it doesn’t fly off my head at some point. I must’ve had that happen about a half a dozen times on the way to Outside Lands. My boys just witnessed it occur, over and over: “Kate, that’s gonna happen hella times.” “Yeah, I know.” Shrugs. I looked fly though.

I get my nails done every three weeks. No exceptions. If my nails are fucked up you need to ask me if I’m ok. That’s not a good sign. This is also a pricey routine, $55. I just calculated this… I spend almost a solid G on nayos alone during the course of a year. Is it worth the effort/cost? HYFR it is.

There is an odd sense of gratification and validation when I hear that my appearance matches my profession. Designers are some of the most judgmental and pretentious people I know. We’re out here trying to make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place. Don’t trust a designer that doesn’t try to package themselves in a visually appealing way. They’re not doing part of their job. 

As a woman who gives a fuck about style I am constantly battling form vs. function. Any woman who spends an entire day in heels can attest to this battle. You think we would wear uncomfortable footwear if it didn’t make our legs look longer? If it didn’t make us look like a million bucks? Nah, son. Form won. Fuck function. I apologize if we gotta Uber 6 blocks at the end of the night, that’s the price of these Dolce Vita’s though.

BUT WHY?

Somewhere between here and there this all became necessity, because it became me.

I believe everyone has the opportunity to curate themselves as they see fit, as they envision themselves. DO YOU, FOLKS! Whatever the fuck that is… I guess it takes a certain level of self-confidence and it doesn’t arrive overnight. I grew up shy, awkward as fuck and extremely self-conscious. Fast forward many years later my mom and my sister are asking me why I purposely dyed my hair an ombre grey. Cause I wanted to. DUH. You must own your decisions. OWN THEM. It's definitely a process.

I’m the best person to take shopping. I’ll give you an honest opinion. I’ll also probably let you try anything you consider risky when it comes to your personal style. You wanna get your septum pierced? Let’s go! You can take it out and shit will heal if you don’t like it. You wanna rock leather joggers? Hold up. We can discuss this further, check what’s up with the return policy first. I’m just looking out. Maybe you shouldn’t go with leather. Baby steps.

Personally I don’t think I’m anything special when it comes to style, there’s a subset of Filipino girls out there with short hair, tattoos, bold lipstick and rock cat-eyed liner. But I’m thankful for the fresh comments, for the style compliments and for making me feel increasingly unique.

My old ultra-frizzy, brace-faced, lanky-bodied, zero-swag-adolescent-self thanks you.

Inspired by Earnest Baker, because I wish I could write like this. 100.

Cool-AF—Still Lonely

I can do a lot of things alone: move across the country, visit new places, go to the beach, have breakfast at a new restaurant, watch a movie and hopefully go on vacation (pending—trip booked, we’ll see how that goes), etc. etc.

It's not my preference, for the most part I’d rather have company, but schedules don’t always line up and there are only so many people to hit up. I ask around until everyone responds with their regrets. I’ll still go, because I want to—so I go alone. Not having company has never stopped me. (Except for a drink... I never drink alone, that’s how alcoholics are born. Except for wine... wine doesn’t count.)

It takes a lot of self-assurance for me to handle being alone. I have to convince myself that someone would love to be sitting across from me at breakfast, willing to order pancakes so I can get something savory and still get a sweet fix (or vice versa, I’m flexible). I figure I won’t always be on an airplane solo and eventually someone will be there to request a cup of ice for me after beverage service comes by and I’ve already fallen asleep. I tell myself that the other side of the bed won’t always be empty and someday there will be a hand to hold.

But I have to persuade myself these things often and there is no proof in sight that I am correct. Faith is dwindling (at the moment).

I’m tired of being my own cheerleader. I’m exhausted fighting loneliness.

You know what? I’m a cool fucking person, someone is missing out. 

Loneliness and extreme self-confidence are constantly battling it out. COOL AS FUCK—STILL LONELY.

*Trap remix of tiny violins playing* (100 points if you laughed at this)

Normal Business Hours

It has dawned on my mother that my life in SF has been established. Job—check. Home—check. Man—TBD. She’s asking my sister behind my back if I’m dating anyone. She’s alluding to me that I should start giving up some of my “necessary requirements,” and that I should give these guys that come along a chance. Little does she understand the fuckboy level I have to deal with. 

I require a certain level of respect, obviously.

You’d be surprised with how many men don’t honor “normal business hours.” Everyone laughs when I bring up this phrase. I coined it, it’s exactly what it sounds like… The last man I went on a first date with was particularly enticing because he suggested we go hiking immediately after meeting me.

Wait. What? You want to go on a date when there’s daylight? No alcohol? *HEART EYES EMOJI HERE*

Unfortunately for me I didn’t have the availability for a long outdoors activity with such short notice. Instead we ended up drinking way too many shots of Jameson at a sports bar. First date fail. After this initial meeting the work hours conversation lulled, texts became limited and when they did they arrive they came later into the evening. Like… “You up?” “What are you doing?” “Where you at?” LATE.

He lost all interest in me as a person. Yet he still wanted to get it in. No need to sugarcoat it. 

You’ll never be able to stay on the radar if you don’t attempt to stay in touch with me in the middle of the day or week. Normal business hours. M-F, 9am-6pm. Otherwise I’ll assume you give zero fucks about taking me seriously in any capacity. I’m not even asking for much. It’s as simple as: “How’s your day?” Happy Humpday.” Whacha got planned this week?” Basic human interactions sent while I’m hustling and the sun is out shining. It's not difficult.

Once you work the 9-5, I’ll give you 5-9. Trust me.

Biological Clock

I give myself three more years before I freak the fuck out completely.

I imagine that’s enough time for me to come across someone who’ll fall in love with me and want to go half on a baby. I don’t care about ever being married again, I don’t require the M-R-S title. However I will be broken-hearted if I never become M-O-M. I blame my stupid biological clock. It doesn’t matter if my face still looks 25, the reality is my fertility rate is declining as I age.

I figure 35 is a good year. I figure 3 years is sufficient, a lot can happen in that window of time. 

I’ve been on a hell of a roller coaster in the past of the 3 years, nothing of which I could have ever predicted. I’m not so much on a thrill ride these days, I’ve been on a steady positive track, but I’m waiting for some highs. Hopefully love-induced.

I’m also screening sperm donors for worst-case scenarios. You know me, guys… Backup plans on lock, always. Applications being accepted, once approved we can discuss the methods of actual sex or artificial insemination.

I’m joking. Lightweight.

Ex-Mr & Tunechi

The first alternative band Ex-Mr got me to enjoy was Coldplay. It was 2001 (daaaamn) and I had a huge crush on him (for the record I was significantly cooler than him according to the social hierarchy at our high school). He mentioned that he thought of me whenever he heard “Yellow” so naturally I became obsessed with that song. Soon enough other bands followed suit: Radiohead, Interpol, RHCP, etc. etc. etc. Eventually he had me memorizing Incubus and Jimmy Eat World lyrics without much encouragement.

My appreciation for alternative bands came fairly easy. Our biggest/longest musical rift was his love for Lil Wayne and my disgust. From Tha Carter to Tha Carter IV I could not stand Lil Wayne. That’s five fucking years of hating Weezy on my part and Ex-Mr declaring him the “best rapper alive.” The subject of Tunechi was a constant source of grief because we had such different opinions on his music.

YOUR BOY NEEDS TO ANNUNCIATE, I CAN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING HE’S SAYING.

Eventually I conceded. I started breaking down in 2009, “Every Girl” dropped and I couldn’t deny that I loved the single. Slowly my hatred turned into respect, respect into love. Ex-Mr was persistent when it came to his favorite. Now I’m here praying that Carter V gets released sooner than later because I miss the motherfucker killing it with his bars.

All of that was just an introduction on how I’ve recently realized I’m lacking a direct outside influence.

When I get left to my own devices I get stuck in my zone.

It gets boring. It’s predictable. It’s all me, there is no one to push me to try new things. Some weeks I purposely tell myself I cannot listen to Trap. I obey my self-inflicted rules for the most part. I end up listening to America, Frank Ocean or Aubrey all day. I really do listen to Drake in backwards chronological order all the time. I have to tell myself that this default musical setting isn’t allowed either.

I’m stuck, man.

I want someone to force me to try the ice cream flavor I would’ve never fucking chosen. I also want him to buy me another scoop if I decide it’s inedible. I need someone to explain the entire sport of football to me because I have holes in my knowledge base. You have no idea how many stupid questions I asked Ex-Mr about baseball before I got to the level I am now. I would like someone to suggest activities I normally wouldn’t do—just to see if I enjoy them. I wouldn’t mind getting consumed by a TV series that isn’t a sitcom, cause that’s my automatic choice any day.

Maybe I just need suggestions, maybe I should just focus on pushing myself to try new things or maybe I just want someone to fight me as hard as Ex-Mr did when it came to Weezy.

Yeah, ok. All of the above.

Thirty Two

I’ve begun and deleted at least a dozen posts on my life at 32. 

Nothing is working, so I’ll just type out my stream of consciousness. I’d like to state that I am sitting at my kitchen table, in my underwear, with wine flowing and I am simultaneously dancing to whatever mix I have blasting out of my speakers. I'm excellent at multi-tasking.

Is that a clear picture? Kids—this is what you have to look forward to when you’re divorced with no kids in your early 30’s. Aim for the sky. 

Ok… In all seriousness, I can happily state that I am in the best place of my life since 2012. I’m completely self-sufficient (except for when I need to change a lightbulb in my apartment), I just accepted a full-time job offer, I negotiated the highest salary I’ve ever received, I’m surrounded by beautiful mother fuckers who love me and best of all—I am home.

My life is so full. So. Full.

The course of my life is running it’s course at an almost effortless pace at this point. Just don’t call me  “lucky.” I despise that term with a passion.

On Sunday Melissa asked me how I felt on my birthday, I told her without any hesitation that I felt fucking amazing. I’ve dealt with so much from my divorce, my moves to/from/within New York, my job search and everything else in between. My life is settling into what it’s meant to be and I still don’t know what that means… but I’m pretty fucking excited.

Trust your journey, even if you are unsure of your destination.

29 - TBT

This was taken on the worst birthday ever at my favorite place in the world (Kauai, not the shaved ice spot. Although I killed that shaved ice).

I woke up to Ex-Mr working on his computer. Working on our vacation. Working on my birthday. No card. No gift. Nothing of sentimental value presented to me. My favorite person in the world showed me just where I was on his priorities list. Rock bottom.

To this day I'm not mad at him, it serves me no benefit holding a grudge. However I still fucking cry for the girl in this picture and I'm here watching tumbleweeds waiting for someone to treat me better.

All Black Everything

Prior to turning 28 I posted a pair of $250 Grey Ant sunglasses on my old blog. When my birthday hit I was surprised with a group dinner and the sunglasses. Turns out 8 of my favorite women chipped in and copped them for my bratty self. I still rock them. 

I swear I was joking, everyone came through though. Ahem*Cough*

In all seriousness... I've always believed: Presence > Presents

(I STILL LIKE PRESENTS THO.)


NYC - Revisted

On a whim I accepted a last min invitation to head to NYC for a wedding. I purchased the ticket as soon as my boy asked me if I wanted to attend his big day. I can be hasty like that, I’ve been extra restless lately. Plus, I’ve been meaning to head East this summer.

So I texted a dozen people that I was about to be in town. In result my trip consisted of me running around from group to group, fielding the same questions over and over again: You changed your hair? How’s life in Cali? How’s your job? How’s your apartment? Do you have roomies? Have you seen your ex? Have you seen that other guy? How are the dudes, don’t tell me there aren’t dudes?

I had the same conversation multiple times, others got less detail and some got the full scoop, depending on how well they’ve been in touch with me. I should’ve held a press conference or some shit. No joke.

By the time I completed my last catch-up session I felt extremely satisfied with my 7 month summary of life back in the Bay. Truth is when July hit I was in a major funk. I didn’t feel like I accomplished much for the first half of 2015. Why? I have no fucking clue. I am hardest on myself at all times. We’re all our own biggest critics right? Well, except when I’m not super arrogant on here. That happens frequently, you already know. I also missed certain aspects of my NY life more than I cared to admit, so I questioned my move for a quick second.

It took me multiple reiterations of: “Yeah, the hair is new. Life is good. I work at a major ad agency. I have a good title. I’m on the Visa account. My apartment is finally getting personality. I live by myself. I do see my ex, we're cool. Yes, that other guy and I are friends. The dudes are there….” 

The constant repetition of facts finally got through my thick dome. So although visiting NYC felt exactly like seeing your ex the first time after a breakup, I quickly realized why I left in the first place and what kind of life I had made for myself back in SF. I failed to realize everything I had built for myself until I had to describe it to someone else.

I know I sounded questionable, fucking around with my ex that is NY, but we all know my heart was here all along. I just needed to visit an old life to see how good the new one is.

Refill

I’ve forgotten that people fall in love.

That certain individuals have the ability to immediately click. That sparks fly. That chemistry can be undeniable. That good things happen.

I don’t possess a typical romantic view when it comes to relationships and love. My ideal situation involves talking shit to your face, cracking jokes naked and avoiding a majority of what is considered corny behavior. It’s not conventional, but it works for me. Whatever limited optimism I had on meeting anyone has gone into hibernation mode. On second thought, it’s almost reversed to complete pessimism.

Plenty of good things happen to me, but not when it comes to my love life. I’ve come to accept this. It’s cool, guys. it’s fine.

No actually, it fucking sucks.

I’ve been running on empty, on fumes. I can’t even daydream these days, everything sounds impossible to me. You know what I fantasize about? Getting breakfast on a Sunday with a worthy man. Swear to God. Simple as that. 

I went from married woman to a jaded single lady thrown into a world of hook-up culture. Love is limited. Everyone tells me I’m a catch, truth is no one wants to catch feelings. It’s tough out here.

So I’ve slowly given up…

Thankfully I was given this to read yesterday. It’s a love story of one of my bosses, who is a great dude. It’s simple, there aren’t any Nicolas Sparks type of conflicts or climaxes, well except for the fact that his lady at the time (now wife) was only in Germany for about six weeks. If anything I appreciated the simplicity, the meet-cute, the coincidences and everything that led up to him getting her name tatted on his neck. #tattmynameonyousoiknowitsreal That last part isn’t included, but I noticed he had his wife’s name tattooed on him as soon as I started the job. “Yo, this dude is SERIOUS about his woman.”

I desperately needed the reminder. I just refilled on some semblance of hope, dear God—make it last. I’d like to start daydreaming about getting lunch and dinner too. Just sayin.

No New Friends: Platonic Male Edition

I’ve been asking my friends this question for a solid year: Do single adults have any intention of creating completely platonic friendships with single members of the opposite sex?

The resounding response is tricky, but the consensus is “no.” No one needs new “friends.” 

When I was newly single and in a brand new city I was largely naive when it came to this subject matter. I’m still lightweight naive when it comes to what men’s real intentions are. I can tell you half a dozen instances when I was blind to the fact that the man I was just speaking to was blatantly hitting on me, probably more. *Shrugs* I’ll probably be forever naive, that’s what I get for never being single during such a critical decade of growth.

But back to the question…

The usual case is everyone already has friends, plenty of friends. When you’re a single entity do you really need more? Do you need a new friend of the opposite sex to go watch “Inside Out” with? Nah. Not as a fully fledged adult, we don’t have time for that shit.

It sounds super negative when I say it out loud. Women don’t want to admit it as much as men fully own up to it. I’ll own up to it though.

I don’t need new platonic straight single male friends, UNLESS… you’re attractive, interesting and have a million things in common with me. SO… GUESS WHAT? Fuck being platonic.

This doesn’t mean I miss out on creating friendships with new men in my life, but almost 100% of the time they’re in a relationship. I’m never worried about them crossing the line. I don’t either. It’s safe. I don’t have to worry about them trying to escape the friend zone.

Lately I have to dodge the innocent suggestions of: “We should kick it sometime,” “I should get your number.” SKKKKKKRRRRRRRTTTTT. Pump the brakes. Nope. I’ve decided that I no longer want to give my number out when all I will do is ignore a homeboy’s advances. Sorry, not sorry.

No new friends. No new friends. No new friends. No. No. No.