30. Lie to your friends (+/- family) so they get to reservations and events on time
If I invite you to brunch or any type of group dinner there is a high chance that our actual reservation is 30 minutes to an hour later than the time I gave you, almost 100%.
I don’t believe in Filipino time, my dad engrained in me that shit was never an excuse. He isn’t about perpetuating pointless negative stereotypes, he's about punctuality. To this day he still yells out a 5 minute warning to get your ass inside the car ASAP. If you happen to be the specific cause we're running late for any instance, he'll let you know.
Ohh Dad, you’re the person to thank for giving me a zero tolerance policy on tardiness.
I realize it takes a LOOOONNNGGG time for females to get ready for a special event. We usually take a body shower, paint our faces, curl our hair and REAL TALK—we are gossiping, texting or dancing to music the entire time (if I'm honest, it’s usually all 3).
When it comes to men, you guys just move sloooooow. You wait for the last second to get ready or leave when you previously had all the time in the world—and then shit happens.
SO LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS!!! Tell them reservations are at 11 when they’re actually at 12. Don’t feel bad if they’re actually on-time and you have to chill before your table is ready. It beats the hostess continually checking on you to determine whether or not your entire party is there to be seated. Right? Agreed.
Pro Tips:
1. Schedule accordingly. Know your squad and how they operate, anticipate their habits and style. If you went out bar-hopping until 2am the previous evening do not expect anyone to arrive on-time for a 9:30 brunch reservation. Be realistic.
2. You might be tempted to give different people different times, based on their natural patterns—don't do this. I've tried. I turns out everyone checks with everyone and multiple times are put into question—resulting in the entire group being extra confused.
P.S. I hope my method will still remain effective now that I’ve openly admitted this fact. Dear friends: reservations are ALWAYS when I say they are. ;-)
31. Uber is cheaper than a DUI
I was in Dolores Park on a gloriously beautiful Sunday in February when one of the dudes we were hanging out with stated he Uber’s every-fuckin-where. Then the rest of them chimed in with the same statement:
“Uber is cheaper than a DUI.”
To paint you a fair picture these were men past 30, who live in the East Bay and what I assume make a decent amount of money. I don’t really know any of them, but since hearing their take on drinking/driving or riding it has stuck with me since.
I know 2 men who have gotten DUIs within the past 3 months. I know countless men with DUIs marring their driving records (multiple in some cases) and have caused serious property damage. It’s fortunate that none of them have caused anyone any physical harm. I could go on tangents on how these men are never in the company of nagging women who would’ve probably prohibited them from getting behind a wheel in the first place OR I might argue that I believe men become more responsible when they age and get their money right—but for the interest of time, I won’t go there.
To completely transparent, I’ve been behind the wheel when I shouldn't have. Guilty. Often times I was the one driving because I was the least buzzed and that's still not an excuse. The point of #31 on the list of things I’ve learned is… don’t drink and drive—AT ALL. Years ago (fuck, I sound old) we didn’t have the conveniences of Uber or Lyft, you would be lucky as hell to catch a cab in SF after the bars spit you out at 2 am. Everything is at our finger tips these days—what a time to be alive.
The first DUI offense in California can cost $390-1000 and most of the time you hire a lawyer to clear your record and get your driving privileges back sooner.
Your Uber might cost $50, max. You probably get to split the cost too.
Pro-tip:
Uber (or Lyft) every where. It’s cheaper than a DUI (or any other unfortunate consequences).