Why No One Should be My Friend

I will ask you to pick me up/drop me off at the airport. Hey, I'd do it for you...
While dining at a restaurant I forget to ask people if they want a bite of my food.
I get left and right mixed up (in a dyslexic way), you should never have me sitting shotgun and giving directions (or just do the opposite of everything I tell you).
I get intolerable if I'm hungry or if I'm super tired. Yes, I'm five years old and sometimes all I need is to be fed or told to take a nap.
I'll probably want to go to the gym instead of accepting your random Happy Hour invitation (real talk, I don't understand why people make me feel guilty for this one).
I am super anti-social on Sunday nights, I almost always refuse invitations to hang out. I save that time for myself, unwinding at home. The exception is if it's football season (if the 49er’s game is not nationally televised I will drag my ass out to a sports bar).
If you sit next to me during a live baseball game I probably won't say two words to you or initiate any type of conversation. I'm not sorry either, I'm watching baseball. If you wanna talk about what's happening we can talk about that. Also, I'm not being rude—I'm paying attention.
People don't allow me to sit in front of a tv at the bar/restaurant anymore. They make me sit on the opposite side so I focus on them and the conversation. Ok, I'm sorry for this one.
SOMETIMES I HELLA HATE GROUP TEXTS. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. But I can’t…
If I'm coming from home/BK I will most likely be 30 mins late to almost anything, specifically at night or on the weekends.
You should never ask me for dating advice, I will provide the most jaded answer I can think of. “He didn’t text you, cause he didn’t. He could’ve, but he didn’t.”
Sometimes I think I know everything and its annoying as fuck. This used to be a bigger problem pre-2012, but this personality flaw has died down significantly.

Why You Should be My Friend

I always have gum.
I always buy a round of dranks. Always. Never fail. Gotchu.
My phone is always on, never on "Do Not Disturb" and I am easily woken up by a single text message. If you have an emergency, you can probably reach me.
I will send you amazing music based on what I think you would appreciate. When I know I'm on-point with your specific taste I send more.
I’ll fight you for the bill at the end of a meal, most of the time.
I am NEVER on Instagram or my phone when I am in your presence, at a meal, while having a conversation, or trying to have any type of quality time with you.
I have THEE ABSOLUTE BEST inside jokes with people. #watermelonwater #bitcheslovewilliam #tinareyes
I like to think I make people laugh, but honestly I’m pretty sure they laugh AT ME, not WITH ME. Whatever, as long as my company entertains you.
I am genuinely thoughtful. I will buy two kinds of chocolate croissants at the bakery and we’ll share. I’ll text to ask if you already have coffee, cause I’m about to be next in line at the coffee shop. I’ll buy bags of candy for the entire office and pass it around.
I'm pretty good at telling stories. I always have stories or I'm always venting about stupid shit, either way I will have you laughing.
I'm an amazing travel companion, hotel room mate, etc. etc. etc. Real talk. I've been on multiple trips with the same people over and over. They love me, you would too.
I smell good.
When you're at a store and you text me if you should buy certain items, I will probably respond while you're still trying everything on. No "ohh shit, I just saw this text, did you already leave?" type of BS. I'll be honest too. I won't lie to you.
Its handy having me around when you need a random logo / resume designed / baby shower invitation created. I never take your money either... so I go to work after work, for free-99. I have to love you (HARD) for this though.
Cause you're reading this right now...