Strengths
High Alcohol Tolerance
I can do FIVE pickle back shots at one bar, walk to the next place and get a Jameson+Ginger and maybe (maybe, depending on how I’m feeling) go for one more. That’s SEVEN drinks and I have not lost any ability to think straight, remain completely responsible and get my ass home (alone) safely. The next morning I will wake up with a slight headache (at most) which is easily remedied by eggs, toast and two Advil. I’m pretty much good-to-go for the rest of the day. People generally assume I’m a lightweight based on appearances, it is the opposite. I am both ashamed and proud of how much alcohol it takes to get me completely faded. Ok. Half of you are impressed right now and half of you are truly concerned. Next subject…
Immunity to Corny Shit
I am easily disgusted by conventional displays of love and affection, personally. I don’t like roses. I’ve never called anyone “babe.” Once I had a date scheduled and I had to push it back to a later time, the guy’s response was: “That’s ok, if it means I finally get to meet you.” Gag. Gross. I wanted to to immediately cancel on him after that. I am immune to typical pick-up lines and messages where all they do is compliment my looks. That doesn’t get you anywhere with me, do better.
Weaknesses
Kisses on the Cheek
There is a certain confidence you need to be able to kiss a woman on the cheek. First of all you need to provide a genuine hug, no half-assing awkward or one-armed bullshit, that doesn't fly—you need a true fucking embrace and you go in for the slightest peck on the cheek. Its never calculated, its always swift and genuine. My platonic male friends all have this growing habit of actually making contact with my cheek when they greet me hello / goodbye. I kind of melt, every time—even just a little bit. Imagine what the effect is when I actually like someone. Swoon on 100 x 1,000 x Trillion.
Soft Rap Lyrics
You know why I love Drake? Because he has the absolute best similes / analogies / metaphors / hashtag raps / etc. etc. etc. I think he is sooooooooo clever and it has formed a direct path to my heart. When it comes to music I can always appreciate a good beat and I am always breaking down the lyrics of songs (thus my constant visits to RapGenius). The following is my favorite line, ever, ever in the history of my stupid obsession with Drake:
“Love your ass like Milhouse loves Lisa. Love your ass like the Ninja Turtles love pizza.”
We've all witnessed Milhouse chase after Lisa Simpson for yearrrrsssss. We are all familiar with just how much the Ninja Turtles go batshit crazy for pizza. If thats not love—I honestly do not know what the fuck is. I realize just how strange of a weakness this is, but real talk… a few good lines make my knees into jello and my heart skip beats. This isn’t as easy as it sounds, I won’t take any old regular line, I bet you’ve never heard of the one I referred to above. You still gotta do work, but man… If you find the right ones… Hi, these are my panties. Here, have them.