If you've noticed, I don't allow comments on individual posts. I could, but the possibility of negative commentary makes me uncomfortable. Although, I haven't received any, so I don't know what I'm so afraid of.
You all manage to slide in the fact that you have found/read this blog in a variety ways, random ways. You have told me while we're both drunk, you comment on unassuming Instagram posts, you write it on my Facebook wall, you tell me in the middle of the day while chatting—and I internally freak the fuck out, each and every time.
Why?
Because aside from dancing I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED of being in front of an audience. The way I see it—I am monologuing throughout this entire site. When I realize you are "listening" I basically I get stage fright, and I freeze.
By admitting to me that you read this I am now aware of the people on the other side of their screens reading about my life in the raw (but entertaining) manner I choose to present myself.
When I began this particular blog I was only planning to give the URL to my inner circle, they encouraged me to write again, but after more positive feedback I decided to put it on my Instagram profile. I thought: "Fuck it, I have a good story to tell." Now I get anywhere between 30-60 unique IP hits a day. Who the fuck…?
Initially I expected about a dozen people to read this, but there you all are. Also, being personally aware of my audience makes me increasingly self-conscious. You range from personal to professional connections, complete strangers to intimate friends (no, like literally), and sometimes you can't even have a real conversation with me because of the fear I might put you on blast.
"Yo. You can't blog this. Promise me you won't blog this."
"Yeah yeah, off the record. This is off the record. I won't."
SO… I keep you all in mind when I continually think of material to write, how much I use "fuck" (ehh, I honestly don't care), how much slang I can get away with using before you have to try to figure out on Urban Dictionary, and if I know you personally—how much I actually include you. Someday I will legitimately date a dude and he's going to serve as major subject matter, as long as he can handle it.
But again, thanks. I'm terrified as fuck that you're all here, but you keep me motivated. Real talk.