Settle

Insomnia is the antithesis of my writers block. I always see the sunny side of things, hah. I am publishing this one at 4:30 am.

---

Have I mentioned that I speak with ex-Mr pretty regularly? Hah. Well I do. Despite it all, I'm on good terms with him, because I choose to be. BTW, he's a huge fan of this blog. No lie.

Recently we had a conversation on how men treat me terribly, and he responded accordingly: "They don't deserve you. Shit. I didn't deserve you." Aww, thanks ex-Mr, shucks. When it all came down to letting me go, he couldn't fight any longer, he knew he didn't deserve me. It was a matter of coming to terms with his inability to be a good husband and giving me the freedom to find someone out there to do a better job. At least thats what he told me, I'm just realizing this now. Hindsight is 20/20.

Basically—he set me free to get what I deserve, cause he couldn't provide it. How he manages to be a better man for a woman after me, I'll never understand, but that's opening up a can of worms that doesn't need to be consumed. Anyways, that's me digressing...

I realized I am miles away from getting what I deserve these days. I just settle.

I settle for guys with girlfriends flirting with me, just because I like the attention and its about all I can get right now. I settle for last-minute invitations for dates, even though my pride hates it. I settle for sex, instead of making love—who knows when I'll actually do that again. I settle for cuddles or hand-holding any time I can get it, just to hold myself over. I settle for OKCupid, although I would much rather prefer to meet someone organically.

I am so tired of settling.