Every Day

Over dinner Kyle & Pam asked me: “Do you miss NY?”

Easy answer: EVERY. DAY. All caps. Extra emphasis. Every day.

I refuse to remove my MTA card from my wallet. I stare at my NYC Subway app on my phone and I don’t have the heart to delete it or change its position. It’s at a super prominent and easily accessible location and I am not sure what should take its place. I am constantly adding 3 hours to the time. Brooklyn forecasts are still programed in my weather app. I barely changed the time settings on my laptop and email. My watches are definitely still set to Eastern Standard Time.

I’m not quite ready to let it all go yet.

Part of me still imagines I’ll be walking down 5th Ave. in the spring, passing by the Flat Iron Building and Madison Square Park on my way to work in the morning. That’s an old memory, my previous company isn’t even located there anymore—but it’s still one of my favorite run-of-the-mill memories of my old routine, so it sticks.

I’ll miss anything I get attached to, whether thats a person, place or thing—that’s human nature. I will forever miss New York. Extra emphasis.

But ask me how happy I am to be home. I’ll give you a good answer.

Day 1

What I Did Today:

• Apply for 18 job listings.
• Contact 5 recruiters.
• Set up 2 phone interviews for tomorrow.
• Arrange 2 in-person meetings with recruiters for later this week.
• Drove to Best Buy to get a ChromeCast. Renamed it "KateCast" and thought I was so clever.
• Set up a TV in my room.
• Finally finish Breaking Bad Season 4.

I don't fuck around. That's only day 1 of my job search. #HellaProductive

For Hire

I just finished my portfolio. I’ve never been so motivated to accomplish a personal project in such a short amount of time. I only spent a total of 3 days on everything, but each day was heavily dedicated to it. No Smoking Section reading. No IG browsing. No time wasted. When I’m really fucking serious I listen to all of Aubrey’s albums in reverse order, mix tapes and everything. Thank you, Aubrey—I did it.

I removed the link to this blog off my IG profile for the first time since its creation. Unless you already know this URL, you won’t get here. My Twitter account is now private. I updated my resume and Linkedin. I Googled myself under multiple search terms to see if anything interesting came up—nope, I’m good. I'm trying to stay low key. HOWEVER, my wedding invitation is included in my body of work. I have no clue if anyone will notice and it's too good to remove. *Shrugs* FUCKIT. It's good work.

I figure that a job is the first piece of my new life here that I can obtain and I’m hungry for that initial element. Wish me luck, folks. Time to hunt.

Troy

Have you ever really heard Troy sing? Troy = Donald Glover's character on "Community" = Childish Gambino. If not, you're welcome. This is super old, but I don't like my friends remaining ignorant.

Que sera, sera

Adam always used to say that "when something doesn’t work out then the next thing will, or the next, or the one after that.” Molly and I would then jump down his throat, “Adam, that’s fate. Whatever works out is what is supposed to be.” His rebuttal was always something along the lines of a logical explanation with too many words involved. Go figure, you have two chicks trying to make sense of the world based on destiny and signs and shit vs. the mind of a male lawyer.

I guess the difference between our viewpoints is that Molly and I want to understand the process of everything while the pieces are still moving and sometimes we get attached along the way, Adam is cool with whatever he ends up with at the end of the day. He’s so fucking rational, he stays detached very well. Molly and I could never approach things so casually, we’re too busy daydreaming of possibilities and imagining the best case scenario—for everything. Our heads aren’t completely stuck in the clouds, we’re still pretty grounded, but naturally we struggle when we want something to go our way.

So in result… I hate apartment hunting… interviewing… dating… and any other anxiety causing occasion in life. It’s basically everything I’m supposed to deal within the next coming months… HAH. FUN. 

Also, I’m odd in a sense where I can deal with results directly after decisions have been made (pretty immediately). I can rationalize “ok, so that didn’t work out,” but I CANNOT turn my mind off while the process is still in the works.

But que sera, sera. Right? Que sera, sera.

P.S. I wrote this because I already looked at an apartment in SF and I LIKED IT. I LIKED IT A LOT. The place has an onsite washer and dryer and the closet is fucking huge. ONSITE WASHER & DRYER THO. Ask me when the last time I had to visit a laundromat was, I can’t tell you. I honestly cannot tell you. I’ve lived in SF & NY for the past 7-8 years and I’ve never had to go to a laundromat. Also, I had no intention of even looking at apartments this soon but my boy texted me this am that his friend was looking to fill the third bedroom and next thing you know I’m arranging an 8pm walk through. GAH. DEAR MIND, PLEASE STOP SPINNING. So I desperately need some Adam perspective right now, “if this doesn’t work out, then maybe the next one or the one after that…” 

Slower than Slow

Hi. Are you still here?

Really? I’m super boring right now, I apologize. I’m pretty uninterested with myself at the moment. The highlights of my days involves going to grocery stores and being amazed that I can purchase greek yogurt and hard liquor at the same establishment. No joke, I feel like an alien back here. I also stare at Redbox dispensers and think about the possibilities of renting DVDs. IDK. You guys, this is my life now (for the meantime).

I’m excited to accomplish the most mundane tasks because they’re the kick starters to getting my feet off the ground. For example, I’m going to the DMV tomorrow to replace my lost driver’s license. I’m actually really looking forward to this, no sarcasm. I would go right now if I could… I’m hating my current state of immobility. Hating. It. Severely.

I woke up this morning and immediately began working on my personal identity for my portfolio website. I hope to have it completely updated by the end of the week so I can start applying to jobs ASAP. Apparently I only require three full weeks of funemployment. I do not enjoy not working, as much as my ass goes on vacation—I fully enjoy the hustle. Also, I need that steady source of income so I can get out of my parent's house. GAH.

People tell me all the time that my life sounds as if I’m the protagonist of a movie being filmed. If that’s the case we’re at that really slow and pathetic part where the woman over 30 leaves her cool life in NYC to move back to her parent’s house in the suburbs of the Bay Area while she figures out how to piece together a fresh start back in SF. 

Fuck, that sounds so lame. WHY DID I DO THAT?

I’m joking. If you could hear me right now I’m laughing. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be, as sllllllloooooowwww as it hurts me. It will just be like that for a little while, my movie-life picks up for sure… Guaranteed. #faith

Until then... everyone go to the bathroom or buy snacks or some shit, cause I’m yawning over here myself.

Return of the Tiny Violins

My upper-echelon-starting-5-squad-of-friendships is formed by my boys from high school and their significant others (with the exception of a few late additions to the crew). Ride or die, this is them.

I just got back from a holiday gathering with most of them. They ensured me it was a perfect year to return home. One couple announced a brand new engagement. Another declared they were pregnant and expecting a baby in July. I’m beyond thrilled for everyone involved, they deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm glad to be back to witness the progression of both couples.

Truthfully I still thought about myself and where I was in life: divorced and starting from scratch. I’m no where near having a boyfriend. I’m not currently dating and whenever I do I can barely get to a third date. When it comes to my love life—things don’t happen for me. That’s fine I guess if we’re speaking in past tense… things can change, although I don’t foresee that anytime soon. It’s odd how I can romanticize my friend’s relationships but remain completely jaded and defeatist when it comes to my own. I’m constantly trying to turn my attitude around and claim “eventually” but it becomes tiring. No, I don’t think I’m waiting in vain. I still have faith. I just think I’m impatient and realistic—right now.

It’s unfortunate that such amazing benchmarks in my favorite people’s lives remind me how far I am from accomplishing the same, from sharing that type of love again. It feels beyond my reach. I guess I’m jealous in that sense. I used to know what that felt like, I can’t wait to feel even a fraction of what I used to.

I've realized that being surrounded by so much love makes me feel so lonely. 

Wamp. Wamp. Stupid fucking tiny violins. Gah.

First Things First

I’ve only been here a week and I’m already going stir crazy. I lost a whole lot of my usual independence because of my move and I keep needing to remind myself that it is temporary. 

When I first moved to NY I stayed with my cousin, he told me I could stay however long I needed to but not forever. I didn’t really need that communicated to me. I require my own personal space and I got tired of living on a couch, so my ass was moved out in two weeks. I didn’t even have a job yet but I had money saved up and my gut told me it was fine. It was a great decision because it led me to Adam (for those of you who are wondering, he just finished up all of his chemo, he’s onto radiation now—his treatment went well). Eventually I finished up my portfolio, got a quick freelance opportunity and the full-time job offer shortly after. Two moves, several months later and after making two dozen new friends I established a good life and routine in Brooklyn. 

It took a while and I didn’t realize the pieces were naturally falling into place until they were firmly set. Hindsight is 20/20. Every time I complained about some random hardship or loss of control it led me to somewhere amazing, whether that means an opportunity in life or friendship.

So this is me… telling myself to calm the fuck down.

First things first… things will happen. Good things. Patience is a virtue. Please feel free to remind me, I will sound like a broken record for a good minute.

HNY

You can't take me anywhere... Someday I'll make a good wife, again. 

Nothing Was the Same

It’s all hitting me now. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season has winded down. I’m glad my ass has gotten through another Thanksgiving and Christmas single as fuck. Most of me was too preoccupied on leaving NY. Distractions… I’m telling you. I’m a master of distractions.

I live here, again. I know I said that already but I need to keep reminding myself.

I have a “nothing was the same” scenario going on right now, and that is perfectly fine with me. Ask me how long I’ve wanted to describe something as “nothing was the same.” The answer is “forever.” Anyways… Nothing is the same because it’s all brand new.

I guess I should be excited but I’m also fucking anxious. 

I knew I should expect that. I’m just saying…. I’m just rambling…

I’m slightly freaking out because I said goodbye to a good life in NY. I still have no regrets, but I have to watch my words because I talk about it like it’s the present when it’s actually the past. Some nights I still think I’m headed back to Brooklyn, I get updates from my old job from my friends, I’m still connected… somehow. I’m constantly adding 3 hours to whatever time it is cause I don’t want to be the dick who sends a text at 1am (AHEM*COUGH).

Don’t get it twisted though. I’m not conflicted. I’m just transitioning…

I’m trying to figure shit out over here, and I’m starting from scratch. This is going to take a while. My stability in NY didn’t come overnight, so I don’t expect that here either. It all came together over time, and when it all finally did, I decided I was ready to come back to Cali. I sound crazy.

I’m telling you… complex stimulation… Shrugs.

So instead of talking about how amazing 2014 was, this is my last entry for the year. Cheers to the new and the unknown and everything 2015 has in store for me. I usually have an “I see you” attitude but I’m not even going to lie… I have no clue what kind of ride this is going to be.

Hopefully its fucking amazing.

Website Updates

A major thing that has bothered me about this blog is that I haven't had an index since it's birth. In addition to the index I've added a "Recents" section and a search. The search is actually super efficient. You could search your first name to see if I've mentioned you at all... Or you can search any reference I might have had in general. You can find all these in the navigation above, labeled Past.

I bet 70% of my posts would come through a search if all you entered was "D." Someone try it.

I've also cleaned house and removed pages that were never actually created or updated.

The layout is a work in process. I'm still trying to figure out how to adjust things and spacing. This is my profession so I am overly critical in particular. I'm not sure why anyone would really go into my archives, BUT as a woman who calls herself an Art Director, I'd be doing myself a disservice if the user experience on my own blog was terrible. I must do my best.

Enjoy. Be nice, this is my heart and soul... You already know.

Glutton for Punishment

I’m a glutton for my own punishment.

Sometimes I think I consciously put myself in complex situations because I think I can handle them, each and every time. Yes, I can meet the deadlines for the 4 projects with ridiculous timelines. Yes, I can be friends with my ex. Yeah, I can handle being in the same room with a man I caught feelings for AND his GF. That last one is recent, I’m not quite there yet. It’s not easy, historically I've had experience with this type of situation and it’s not pleasant. But I’ve dealt with it… so I can do it again. I have to.

That’s my fault… Stupid, Kate. 

I’m looking forward to the day when things in my life are easy. *SIGH* That’s definitely not guaranteed… but I can hope right? Maybe “easy” is the wrong word, I mean “simple.” I want some simplicity in my constantly erratic life.

That’s my fault too though, right? Dumb, Kate.

I enjoy the complex stimulation for a fact… or else I wouldn’t be so restless, or attracted to assholes, or ready to tell you five different stories of how I keep testing my own boundaries.

YUP. It’s all my fault. Thank you, self-analysis. Ok, time for some simplicity in 2015.