My upper-echelon-starting-5-squad-of-friendships is formed by my boys from high school and their significant others (with the exception of a few late additions to the crew). Ride or die, this is them.

I just got back from a holiday gathering with most of them. They ensured me it was a perfect year to return home. One couple announced a brand new engagement. Another declared they were pregnant and expecting a baby in July. I’m beyond thrilled for everyone involved, they deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm glad to be back to witness the progression of both couples.

Truthfully I still thought about myself and where I was in life: divorced and starting from scratch. I’m no where near having a boyfriend. I’m not currently dating and whenever I do I can barely get to a third date. When it comes to my love life—things don’t happen for me. That’s fine I guess if we’re speaking in past tense… things can change, although I don’t foresee that anytime soon. It’s odd how I can romanticize my friend’s relationships but remain completely jaded and defeatist when it comes to my own. I’m constantly trying to turn my attitude around and claim “eventually” but it becomes tiring. No, I don’t think I’m waiting in vain. I still have faith. I just think I’m impatient and realistic—right now.

It’s unfortunate that such amazing benchmarks in my favorite people’s lives remind me how far I am from accomplishing the same, from sharing that type of love again. It feels beyond my reach. I guess I’m jealous in that sense. I used to know what that felt like, I can’t wait to feel even a fraction of what I used to.

I've realized that being surrounded by so much love makes me feel so lonely.

Wamp. Wamp. Stupid fucking tiny violins. Gah.