4 Before 34 #1

34 little things I've learned.

Better late than never... but never late is better. Sorry.

34. Always bring a jacket with you in San Francisco.
33. It’s ok if you take half shots, especially if you’re drinking with men.
32. Don’t have snacks in the house if you don’t want to snack.
31. Stainless steel gets the scent of garlic off your hands. 
30. Don’t eat more edibles until you’ve waited at least 45 minutes.
29. Check for a discount code before you checkout online.
28. Being called “beautiful” beats any other compliment regarding physical appearance.
27. Dull knives are more dangerous than sharp ones.
26. Scotch is actually NOT the preferred spirit in Scotland.
25. Pickle juice is THE BEST whiskey chase, hands down.
24. Jack in the Box tacos are NOT meant to be consumed a day after purchase.
23. Only drink bottled water in third world countries.
22. Always counter your offer. Ask for more, even just a little extra.
21. Pretty girls like pretty friends. All my bitches bad, and I love all my bitches.
20. The same cannot be said for men and their friends (see line item above).
19. However, if a man is funny chances are most of his squad is too.
18. Always keep "survival food" in the freezer for hang overs.
17. Everyone has time to text, whether they do so or not is on them.
16. Taquerias painted in bright colors (particularly yellow) are usually exceptionally good.
15. TSA precheck and Global Entry is well worth the $100 investment.
14. There is a meme for almost every situation in life.
13. Goat cheese doesn’t belong on anything. It’s disgusting.
12. Always check airfare prices on Tuesdays.
11. Hot apple cider and bourbon make cold weather bearable.
10. Call your parents, whenever you can remember.
9. If plan A doesn’t work there is always B, C… or Z.
8. Keep vacations plans interchangeable in case of unpredictable weather.
7. Avoid interacting with a man after his favorite team has just lost a championship title game.
6. Find someone who only wants to touch your privates and no one else’s.
5. Always keep ripening avocados on deck.
4. Your photos will look better if you follow the “rule of thirds.”
3. Pizza should have thin crust, only.
2. YOU CAN BE FLY AS FUCCCCCCK and a man still might not be able to be faithful to you.
1. Regarding that last point, if that’s the case… it’s not your fault.

4 Before 34 #2

Self Love is the best love

*Insert five masturbation jokes here*

Just kidding. I will not be referring to masturbation at all during this post. Sorry.

I think self love is a recent phenomenon. I believe it stems from a combination of things you’re already familiar with, such as self confidence and self respect. We’re well acquainted with those two, but people are still confused about self love. Everyone is still trying to wrap their heads around the concept.

Shit, I’m still trying to figure it out.

There’s a cashier who works at Trader Joe’s on Sundays who always seems to ring me up. When it’s time for the flowers to get rung up he says: “Are these for you?” My response is usually a simple: “Yup. Treat yo’ self.”

I believe treating yo’ self is only a piece of the puzzle, that’s just self indulgence.

You should give yourself what you deserve/want, especially if no one else is providing it for you. However, purchasing things is easy. You’re usually just limited to monetary restraints in this case. You can treat yo’ self until your bank account rejects your idea of material symbols of affection. Love is more than positive affirmations, gifts and fuzzy feelz.

Tough love doesn’t get enough credit. This is where self discipline steps up to the plate and either bats 1000 or shits the bed. Someone has to keep you in check—YOU. If you ask me… self discipline is The Real MVP. No one wants to be the bad guy. Self discipline is the one that makes you workout 4x a week, urges you to order salad instead of fries, it’s the entity that looks out for you the most with your best interest at heart. Just don’t let self discipline turn into self deprivation.

Self love is the best love and my edibles are kicking in so I’m turning self conscious. END POST.

4 Before 34: #3

The older I get the less apologetic I am

It’s already difficult to get an “I’m sorry” out of me.

Unless I personally offended you, genuinely hurt your feelings, put you in some kind of danger or had a momentary lapse in my memory—it’s difficult. That last one is getting to be increasingly common and for that—I do apologize.

I don’t apologize for my opinions. I won’t apologize for instances that you’re experiencing that have nothing to do with me. Please note that does not mean I’m not sympathetic/empathetic—I will feel for you and with you. I just don’t say sorry because your struggles didn’t stem from me. I realize I take this portion of an apology a bit too literally. 

The older I get the time and energy ratio dwindles, as a result I keep both of those assets under lock and key. Sometimes I come off as rude because of it and for that…

I am not sorry.

Not sorry I need to Irish Goodbye 80% of the time because people don’t allow me to leave at an appropriate hour when I willingly express my interest in departing from the festivities.

Not sorry I only turn up to 65% on the evenings before a workout class the next morning. I’d rather not pay the $15 late cancellation fee due to a hang over. Note: I plan my weekend classes accordingly. If it’s your 35th birthday and you bought bottles I’m wise enough to know that I shouldn’t schedule 10 am spin class the next day.

Not sorry I’m not talking to your boy’s-boy’s-boy’s who are young or ghetto or who I have nothing in common with—even if we’re all sitting at the same table. I’ll acknowledge them, I won’t necessarily exert energy on them.

Not sorry if I skip out on an invitation if I ask “who’s going/there?” and don’t like the answer. I am extremely not sorry for that.

Not sorry during moments I am introverted, tired, drained or emotionally shitty. I purposely try and keep myself under quarantine during these times, however sometimes social obligations persist and you gotta show face—even if its not a good one. 

I try to be real as I am with my excuses, but I don’t see them as excuses. I’m just trying to live as best as I see fit and for that I'm not sorry at all, not even a little bit.

4 Before 34: #4

Do not cash checks you don’t have.

My former boss ended his time at my company on a salty note. He gave his final two week notice at the end of our fiscal year but before year-end bonuses were handed out. He defended his right to be paid, however since he is no longer employed when the $$ hits our bank accounts he was denied. I’m pretty sure he lost a significant amount of his expected income because he didn’t stick it out for another full month. That’ll add salt to any diet for sure.

Pro tip: If you’re going to quit and its close to bonus time—WAIT IT OUT.

There are two moments in recent years where I have mentally allocated funds from sources that never came to fruition. I am currently in the middle of one of those moments.

FUN FACT THAT IS NOT FUN: Engagement rings have a ridiculous resale value of roughly 20% of the original retail cost or current insurance appraisal. 

20%, at most. If they even want your ring… maybe they don’t. Maybe its not even worth their time.

A handful of people warned me that I wouldn’t receive the full value of my engagement ring in cash. I get it—they wanted to set expectations. Ok, I at least expected half… it’s fine jewelry for God’s sake. There has to be a market for shit like this. RIGHT?

Nah. Wrong. Wrong as fuck.

I took it to a jeweler, he offered me $180 for my diamonds set in platinum. There’s costume jewelry sold at Nordstrom that costs more than that. Every other potential jewelry buyer I’ve approached has politely declined, it wasn’t even worth an offer. FYI, it appraised for $4050. 

I can’t tell if I’m more upset that everyone is telling me my former beloved engagement ring isn’t worth monetary value or that I have to fund my dog out of my own pocket. It’s both—OBVIOUSLY.

I know what you’re thinking… if I am willing to pay for a dog I should be able to fund this from the bottom of my heart and wallet. But I’m me. (I'm me. TIMES THREE. *bonus points if you got that reference*) I logically thought this through and budgeted my money while simultaneously expecting $1500 free. THE FUNDING WAS MENTALLY ALLOCATED ALREADY.

The idea behind trading in my ring for something to love was genius. It was supposed to be fucking symbolic. Now I’m upset because I feel like I just got handed two "L's."

A reminder “L” for marriage. A new “L” for the bank account.

The other time I mentally used money I never had was when I could taste a $3k referral bonus check, but the woman I referred refused the position offered to her. She had it, dude—and I would’ve had at least 60% of that check.

Pro tip: Only count/spend money you actually have.

P.S. I'll be happy to pay for the dog (once a breeder finally confirms with me), a confirmation alone would lift my spirits. However I was just mentally prepared and felt somewhat entitled to getting it for free.