I decided to terminate my pregnancy on Halloween. I would’ve been 8 weeks. I was going to miscarry eventually, I had something called a blighted ovum (anembryonic pregnancy).

During my first ultrasound I learned that my body was doing everything it should to host a growing fetus—however there was no actual embryo growing inside of me. Apparently this the cause of half of all miscarriages before 12 weeks.

It’s a cruel AF to feel the symptoms of pregnancy but accept your body would not yield any actual baby. My body is finally just starting to feel normal again.

I didn’t really factor in the difficult shit into this overall process. I had such a successful experience during the initial IVF period that I was blindsided by bad news. Sure, I was cautiously optimistic during the initial pregnancy phase but I was also just completely ignorant to all the ways it could fail.

I’m not necessarily devastated that no baby existed, but I’m high key upset about all the things I romanticized when I was “pregnant”, all the physiological symptoms, all the sacrifices, dealing with my insomnia (because I cut out edibles cold turkey), and mostly all the shit I saw as “signs from the universe” that I was finally seeing a dream come true.

I’m salty about all of it.

I’ve already spoken to a therapist about the loss. She said while I’ve accepted there was no baby, I’m still dealing with the loss of the idea of the baby. That’s most definitely facts.

On the positive side of things here’s the deal:

Thank God I live in California and I still have reproductive rights. Had I lived in a conservative state I would not have any options and would be forced to truamatically miscarry naturally and hope that all the fetal tissue expelled itself on its own.
My body became pregnant. My uterus got tagged in to do its job and it performed to the best of it’s ability. I’m grateful for that.
I still have 3 “excellent grade” boy embryos on ice. The doc says that all embryos are individual cases and one blighted embryo is not a reflection of the “batch”.

So that’s where I am. I told you the road to a championship ring was a long one. I don’t want to be coddled regarding this. I don’t want to dwell on what was. I just want to heal, mentally and physically, and move forward. I just want to try again as soon as humanly possible.

I just want my next shot at bat. I just want possession of the fucking ball again.