I was in New York last October when I asked one of my girlfriends about her experience about falling in love for the first time at 29 years of age.

She gave me an over-dramatic exasperated gesture (as she normally does) and told me she wouldn’t be able to put her experience into words, at least not at the exact moment I asked her to describe the sensation. I think it was too fresh, honestly.

As you are fully aware by now, I think/write in metaphors. My life lessons are always directly tied to some sort of poetic or stupid comparison. Either/or, hopefully they’re more poetic than stupid.

I like to think that any given individuals experience of falling in love is comparable to surviving a body of water. The other factor that paints the picture includes whatever weather or environment best describes the overall situation.

Did you dive in head-first? Was it a shallow pool? Was it a beautiful day? Do you see where I’m going with this?

The first time I fell in love I was 17 years old. I fell fast because I was already in love with the idea of love. We were young and naive and dove in, heart first. All of the sudden every barrier that previously existed prohibiting us from expressing our feelings toward each other were gone. The emotions were overwhelmingly maddening, I couldn’t stay afloat. First love is a fucking doozy.

The second time it occurred I was 31 years old and I was caught off-guard. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was as if I was wading near shore, the kind of weak swim where your feet still touch the bottom of the ocean floor and your head and shoulders remain above water. I thought I was in-control of the entire experience, however eventually the current pulled me away and I could no longer scrape the sand with my toes. Love dragged me out into open water and the ocean got rough.

I pray that the next time it happens I just drown, immediately. I don’t want to fight it, it’s exhausting. If I’m being real with myself that’s not going to happen. I am not trusting. I’m too damaged to do anything other than dip my foot in and check the temperature of the water.

Still wanna drown tho. ;-)