16. Patience is a virtue. Timing is a bitch.
I don’t think I ever really get anything in life when I want it.
The universe could give a fuck about my ideal schedule. As a matter of fact it likes to add on complicated detours—just because.
Divorce? That was never in my plans, obviously.
But here I am, experiencing various delays (according to me).
I had a crush on Ex-Mr since 7th grade woodshop class. We used to exchange perverted hand-written letters to each other, you know—the kind that were folded like this. He made it known that the feelings were mutual, however I slept on him and someone else swooped him up by the end of 7th grade. TBH, I wasn’t ready to have a boyfriend anyways.
Throughout the years we always kept in touch, some better than others but the flirting never really ceased. When senior year hit we shared two classes and were in the same cotillion court, resulting in a dangerous amount of face time. BTW, he still had the same girlfriend from 7th grade. Eventually I went savage and stole him away. I guess I got tired of waiting.
The chemistry was always there, the timing wasn’t—well… until the universe made it blatantly clear.
In 2008 I visited New York for the 3rd time. I was in a bar in Park Slope in Brooklyn experiencing a nice buzz when I looked Ex-Mr dead in the face and said:
I want to live here.
I expressed my desire a few times after coming home. We were already engaged, I wanted to experience NY before kids, a dog and a mortgage. I wanted to go before the idea no longer sounded possible. We could’ve done it, but he didn’t have it in him.
I didn’t actually have the opportunity to move until 2013, as you know—by myself.
In 2010 Ex-Mr and I made a bet that if the Giants won all the way I would get off birth control and we would try to conceive a child. After never winning a World Series in the city of SF they did it.
However we never got pregnant. It wasn’t in our cards.
Since turning 33 I have felt a heavy weight on my chest. All of the sudden I feel a strong urgency to watch how much time I have left on the clock and settle down. Yeah yeah, I know—I’m still young. So I guess the same pattern emerges…
Patience is a virtue. Timing is a bitch.
I don't get the things I want in life when I want them, I get them when it’s right.
SO FINE... I’LL JUST WAIT.