Surprisingly I didn’t cry when I arrived. I was apprehensive as hell about this vacation.
I was too busy trying to get my shit together. The lady at the rental car counter was a bit taken back that I was solo, she wanted to make sure I had some sort of company, whether that meant friends or family with me or on the island. I lied, I didn’t want anyone to know I was there by my lonesome, so I said: “I have friends who live here, in Kapaa…” I knew the island well enough to front, I pulled off the rest of our conversation. (I actually had to keep up with this story my entire trip, everyone wanted to know why my ass was solo every time I did an excursion/activity.) She ended up upgrading my car because we had the same birthdate and she was Filipina as well. Sometimes I’m not aware of my charm until I’m there turning it on.
I took off and drove in the direction of my hotel, it was way too early, only about 11:30 am. I figured I had nothing else to do, might as well try to check in.
Eventually he texted me, “How’s Kauai? How are the feelz? Are you ok?”
I told him it was nostalgic, but that I was ok and that I was really happy to be there. Kauai is sacred ground. It’s where we went on our honeymoon and it was our last vacation before we split. Our divorce was completely amicable, we didn’t have to split property, children, etc. However we agreed on one verbal contract: no sharing Kauai with anyone significant of the opposite sex. I’m sure we’ll break it someday, but for now—we both respect the rule. It’s my favorite. It’s his favorite. It would be a shame to keep it to ourselves.
Why did I pick Kauai out of all places? Cause I like to test myself. All. The. Fucking. Time.
I spent my days driving to/from familiar territory with “So Far Gone” blasting from a Jambox speaker in the passenger seat. I couldn’t figure out how to connect to Bluetooth, I tried, multiple times. Fucking technology. There’s a canopy of trees that cover the highway in this perfect arch when you’re coming from Poipu. I could’ve cared less about actually going to Poipu, I just wanted to recreate the drive of me falling in love with “So Far Gone.” 2009 was a hell of a year. I hate explaining to people why that album is my favorite, it’s too personal. No one will ever understand, except him.
On my last night I fucked up and forgot my charger in my hotel, so I was forced to put my phone on airplane mode and bask in my own company. I bought dinner in Hanalei and treated myself to a scoop of ice cream while sitting on a bench admiring fresh rainbows in the sky. I’ll have that one in my memory bank forever. My destination that evening was the most northern point of the island where I would catch the sunset. Amidst families, couples and plenty of other people I was the only one there alone, sitting in silence as the sun dipped further into the ocean while creating gradients you just don’t get in California.
For the first time in a long time I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely.
I drove back to Kapaa in what seemed like extreme darkness, windows rolled down, in silence (I can’t stand Hawaiian Reggae). When I finally hit an area with decent radio reception I left it on the one station I could stand. Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” came on and so I blasted that shit and sang and danced along (as best as I could in the driver’s seat), I’m all about having a soundtrack for my life.
The next day I packed up my belongings to return to reality. When my plane took off I got hit with an overwhelming amount of emotions. I have so many memories associated with that island, all so very different… but this time they were all just mine, and I was so pleased with that.
No sharing, just mine. Alone, but not lonely.