Occasionally I get submissions where I'm applauded for being real, strong as fuck, entertaining, relatable, etc. etc. etc.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're far too kind.

But just so my head doesn't inflate to the level of a hot air balloon let me share reasons why I am still very much a regular human being.

I still want to sock Ex-Mr in the face sometimes. I feel strongest about this when a low-life of a man tries to hit on me and I think: "Mother fucker, this is what you left me to deal with." Also notable, when he talks about WTF he can cook these days. Asshole. You couldn’t even make it home for dinner at an ideal time, now you’re telling me you know how to cook “pan-seared salmon with avocado remoulade.” I could sock him in the face, twice.
I want to eat chicken ranch pizza almost everyday. Honest to God, I want to do this. If they have fresh garlic knots—I want that shit too. I fucking fight this urge on a daily basis. The other day I went into the pizzeria and stared at the pizza for 5 seconds and then left. Why? Cause I just ran 3 miles, I wasn’t about to negate that effort. I’m just sayin’, I always want pizza.
Some days I text 5 separate people to tell me I won't be alone forever. "Tell me right now that some dude is gonna come into my life and be handsome and thoughtful and provide excellent D. TELL ME RIGHT NOW THIS DUDE EXISTS!!!" Sometimes they text back that this dude doesn’t exist in NY and my ass should book a one way ticket asap. I text back that they’re all liars and I want evidence. Once in a while I’m not a believer, it happens.
I happily accept attention from unavailable men. You would think that with my history that I would avoid unavailable men in general, but I don’t. The attention is just too good. I get suspect texts past 11pm while they are obviously out drinking, I respond but I never initiate. I receive all compliments thrown at me graciously. I don’t know why they do it, but I don’t question it either. I feast on this. I’m realistic though, I don’t win in the end anyway. They all go home to someone. I don’t, so I’m the loser in all these scenarios. #brainwins
Every so often I lock myself in my room on the weekends only to emerge when retrieving my Seamless orders and use the bathroom. I will Seamless meals twice in a day. This is what I call “hermit-status.” This is much more common during periods of bad weather. I don’t waste sunny days unless I’m internally storming. That happens too.