I'm embarrassed to tell all of you how I am constantly on the brink of tears these days.

I'm actually crying right now while I'm typing this. I'm so fucking lonely lately that its pathetic. Every so often I allow myself a bad meal and a good cry. I'm a rock (if you haven't figured it out by now, I don't know what to tell you), but once the waterworks start I have to find a way out, so my sense of humor kicks in. Duh… COPING. MECHANISM.

Off the dome, here are a variety of reasons why I would make an excellent girlfriend, or at the very least—why I am worth a second date, in absolutely no particular order:

We could watch porn together. I actually don't find it that degrading, despite my general stance against objectifying women. Ok, don't make me explain this further. It makes no sense.
I can cook. No really. I do work in the kitchen. Whatever the fuck you want, I can probably make it to fruition.
I am funny. Uhh. At least I think so. You're reading this right now aren't you? Yeah, thought so. PENIS. I'm also random, only five people will understand what I just did there.
I yell at the TV while watching sports. If that doesn't give you a boner, then go away—don't talk to me. I know what I'm talking about too. If the defense needs to go to work, or if the dude at second base just made an error I will not remain silent.
I look nice when I need to. I clean up well. Hair done. Nails done. Errything did. Actually I think I'm pretty presentable 85% of the time (side note: I chose that percentage arbitrarily).
If you still don't think I'm funny then go away, now.
I'm fun. As long as I don't think my life is on the line with the type of activities you want to experience, I'm down. If I think I'm gonna die, then I might have to pass. Just a warning, I think I can die via various ways, such as: fixed gear bicycles, intermediate-level snow boarding and jaywalking without holding my hand.
I am a good dancer. You want a sexy drunken lap dance? I'm sure I can accomplish that at some point. Body rolls for days, I can get low.
You can play video games. I absolutely, wholeheartedly, genuinely DNGAF.
I need my own "me time." NOT. LYING. You do you, I'll do me. Find me when you're done. I'll do the same.
I'M AWESOME.
Lastly, we can practice how babies are made. REPEATEDLY. I enjoy this, a lot.

This all you need to know, for now… the rest will come later.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?