These days I hover between being extremely confident or hopeless and doubtful. Depending on my hormonal cycle and whether or not I can blame bullshit like “Mercury in Retrograde” I am on one side of the spectrum or the other.

My social media feed is filled with young families, baby showers, baby announcements, engagements, weddings, and milestone after milestone. Instagram is a highlight reel. Trust me, I enjoy witnessing your highlights—no bitterness.

I am lightweight frustrated that I can’t share the same type of benchmarks for my life—yet. Some days I’m terrified I never will. Catch me on a bad day and you’ll hear me refer to myself as a “left over.” What is a left over? Someone who has no match out there because everyone worthy is already taken. Yes, I call myself this. Occasionally. Guilty. I wouldn’t be “left over” if I was kept as a valued possession. *And this is when I start crying… and laughing… but still crying… This is the negative end of the spectrum. I know this is a false presumption, but I get hopeless once in a while.

On the opposite side of the gamut I give ZERO FUCKS. I live. I am entirely aware of the opportunity that was given to me to take care of myself and start anew. The tradeoff is clear, enjoy until the right company comes along—and he will. So I deplete my PTO for whatever adventure you offer my way. 2 weeks in South America with the Kid Sister? Down. A random trip to Baltimore with the Dry Spell Killer? Sure. A week in Miami/the Bahamas even though I’ve exhausted my allotted days off? Fuckit, let’s go. My highlight reel involves being restless, something new almost every weekend. It also involves conquering New York.

I look forward to the day someone comes along and there is nothing left to doubt. I wouldn’t mind exchanging the endless nights for a Netflix marathon, the constant flights for 1 to road trips for 2 and forgoing pickle backs and sangria for at least 9 months (and yeah + breastfeeding time, I know) so I can have my very own mini-me.

Until then… the highlight reel is still solo and the spectrum is wide.