Exactly two years ago we went to a Giants game.

We left early. We never did that, it was always down to the last out. Even when it was extra-innings, it didn’t matter. Even if we were down an obscene amount, if it wasn’t the bottom of the 9th we weren’t prepared to leave.

The first omen was that it was the coldest fucking day at the park. When you have traumatizing days, you remember shit vividly. AT&T is always cold, but it was unbearable that day. I have an IG post to prove it. You said you didn’t feel well, so we left in the 6th inning. That was the second omen.

You broke down somewhere as soon as we hit the Sunset, stupid N Judah, it took forever to get home. I kept asking you what was wrong. I already knew what was wrong. I still had to ask.

We fought hard that night. At one point you called Abby to ask her to come up to SF from the South Bay cause you needed her. She got there as fast as she could and you couldn’t recall asking her to drive up, you were in such a daze. I told you it was time for me to move out. There was no other solution or experiment than to take some time away from each other. It turns out we had no solution.

I left in the morning with the heaviest broken heart. I left the city I loved and you.

Exactly two years ago.

Sometimes you have to look back to see how far you’ve come, and damn… I've come far.

If you're wondering… I still haven't cried. I'm more upset that only a few of you checked up on me. Half-serious. Half-joking.

If you caught me alone today I kept doing that thing where I take a deep breath, sigh extra-fucking-loud and proceed to blow the loudest raspberry out my lips possible.

I have been bracing myself for my social media feed to ensue with photos of this newborn child. (Note: I am not friends with my ex on FB, nor do I follow his Instagram. Although he follows/comments my account.) It started today… It was going to happen eventually. We still share our circle of mutual friends and I've managed to maintain close relationships with a lot of his family. I saw the first photo when I woke up this morning, on IG. Then at lunch I saw tags and tags on FB.

*Click the likes* *Click the comments* Cause I like to torture myself...

I'm not one to put off these feelings, so I dealt… right then and there. I stared at this kid, that my ex created with some other woman.

I realized I wasn't bitter when I texted him: "Your kid has a fat face." Between the two of us, this is a compliment.

Naturally I still had a pretty rough day. I kept trying to remind myself that the support this new family receives is NO REFLECTION on me. Its not about choosing sides, this is about our shared friends and his family being supportive of this new life. So I swallowed the fact that all my closest friends brought this post to the top of my feed. Cause if it was them in this situation, regardless of the story, I'd probably do the same.

I also had to continually tell myself… "someday that will be me." Although that feels light fucking years away… someday that will be me. I set this on repeat, on loop, in my head… until I no longer need the reassurance.

Lastly… it was just another reminder of how far I am from sharing something good with another human being. I am alone over here. He has two. I have none.

I deserve at least one, right? Yeah, I do.

*heaviest fucking raspberry sigh inserted here*