I’ve been having a whole lot of heart-to-hearts recently.
They run the gamut.
One couple I know is getting divorced, their collective journey has come to the end of the line. I’ve spoken to both of them individually and I hear/see them both.
Another friend I have is gay, fresh out of a long-term relationship, is constantly trying to set me up or just get me back out into the dating scene.
“I know you say you’re happy. (It’s true. I am.) But imagine how much happier you could be if you were on a beach, with Tako, and some guy who fills in that empty space.”
He’s not 100% wrong.
(Note: The only reason I mention his sexuality is because he doesn’t have to deal with the same dating pool. I have no single heterosexual female friends trying to entice me to get back out and explore dating—they already know its a shit show.)
But I think about the caliber of man who would have to fill those shoes and they are large shoes to fill.
It’s part narcissism, part general confidence. I have a whole fucking lot to offer someone. In all my years of dating I haven’t found anyone to match everything I have to give.
I’m not saying I’m the baddest, funniest, most intelligent, compassionate, etc etc etc etc. I’m self-righteous, stubborn, prideful, and super emotionally unavailable. I’m not that great sometimes. It’s just—I’ve discovered that a good chunk of men are basically insecure or broken creatures. A whole lot of them are disloyal/unfaithful. Many suffer from imposter syndrome or fragile egos. I’m so tired of listening to a man explain to me how important he is with all his various flexes. I seem to attract the ones that prefer to numb themselves by drowning their problems in alcohol. They know it too, alcoholics are generally my type.
Meanwhile the “fairer sex” has to deal with all their insecurities, bullshit, and emotional baggage, all while getting reprioritized.
The dating pool was already pretty shitty for me. Of course I’m not diving head-first during a global pandemic. Who really wants to add more disappointment to an already challenging year?
I’m tired of explaining myself.
I hear a lot of stories, being in a relationship isn’t necessarily everything it’s cracked up to be. Society doesn’t wanna see you alone. They dont want to see a single successful (aging) woman waste away the good years of her life by herself. There’s plenty of women out there unhappily married, unhappily living their lives with all of society’s boxes checked all in order—wishing they could trade it in or run away from it all. That goes for “happy men” in relationships as well.
I can’t further prove to you that I am thriving (by myself) unless you take my word. I got plans and I am happy. It’s offensive to suggest I am not the most content and happy I can be as a sole entity.
I don’t need a man for that shit.
P.S. Unless it’s on the level of “Insecure” Season 4, Episodes 8 & 9. Cause that is the only level of nonstop witty banter, love, and intimacy I’m trying to have.