I wish I could write something upbeat, something along the lines of how I usually do—about being blown away by surprises, the greetings that come without social media reminders, and all that other positive blah blah blah I usually speak…

But I’ve been crying for a solid 2 hours and *checks watch* I don’t think we’re going to get a nice light-hearted birthday post this year around.

I tried.

Let’s just call the one a wash. I can’t pick myself up. I’m too tired.

I wanted to Google SF Michelin star restaurants and figure out which one would be the least awkward to get a one-person reservation, but I was too chicken fine dine solo. Instead I ate a $6 slice of pizza and opened a $100 bottle of wine and ate and drank by myself—at home.

I did it on purpose. I didn’t want to bother anyone about today. I didn’t want to be a burden whether that meant time or money.

I don’t fucking know why… all I know is that I wish that responsibility fell into a single person’s hands—but for me, I don’t have that person.

And I cannot fucking get over it right now.

I’m upset I woke up alone. I’m upset that (whenever the fuck I actually get drowsy) I’ll go to sleep alone.

I’m so mad at myself for being so depressed and hung up on this when I’ve been blessed in just about every aspect of my life.

I just can’t shake it.

On the positive side I will take the fucking lows. I will take the years of the solo birthdays, tests of patience, and all that other bullshit that builds character. This part is just a blip in the overall timeline.

This blip feels like forever tho.

FF >> pls.