I feel a lot of things today, so I’m just going to type off the dome.
I woke up at 4am, because my insomnia is back with a vengeance and ever since the divorce my sleeping pattern has never been the same. It’s amazing how your subconscious can shake you awake at the most random times. My insomnia is strongest when I come across life changes, with work, with relationships, with whatever has a major shift in my day-to-day.
Years ago I told my doctor I ate edibles as a “homeopathic means” to reverse the struggle. He was supportive and told me he’d rather have me smoke weed to get a good night’s rest instead of prescribing me Ambien or some other nightly habit-forming sedative. But I’m up to 10mg nightly and my brain still won’t rest, consistently.
The older I get the less inclined I am to share on this blog. I get flooded with self conscious thoughts. I panic when I start to date and wonder if the next man in my life is gonna be cool with me story telling that chapter in my life.
I also think I get too real some times, in a way that makes people uncomfortable. The thing is I can preemptively break my own heart, I can’t tell if it’s an actual skill or a curse. I think it’s just a result of being partially broken in general. Fortunately I’m not a depressive person. While some people might find solace in just ending their lives—I’m the opposite, I just want to wake up to a new day and start fresh.
It was 5am when I saw the CNN tweet that Anthony Bourdain took his own life.
I normally don’t feel affected by celebrity deaths or suicides, but this one hit close to home. He was an icon, one who struggled with drug and alcohol abuse but was fortunately given the opportunity to travel the world and introduce far away culture and food to America in the convenience of their own homes.
I never thought he was a particularly joyful person, he was sarcastic, dry, and constantly made snarky comments when he was on camera—but he was good to watch, cause he was real as fuck. I have probably seen every single episode of “No Reservations,” “The Layover,” and “Parts Unknown.” I even use my parents DVR and have the recording on lock, because I don’t have CNN. I binge when I’m there and when my dad catches me watching he always asks… “Where is he now?”
I’m legit heartbroken that none of us will get to see him explore any longer. He gave us the ability to vicariously live through the lens, through his eloquence, and silently through his numerous personal struggles.
I hope the afterlife is a bigger adventure for him that this life ever was.
Rest in peace, Tony.