So… I kind of figured.

I observed all of the signs as they came along. I tried to ignore them because signs are not facts and my analytical ass and the brain prefers facts.

HOWEVER… My alert heart was taking notes on all the signs.

At some point “good morning” texts became standard, once in a while they were back2back because you’d send a “good night” text from the previous evening. It’s full circle when you want to be the first/last person in touch with a particular human being. I didn’t want to get used to these, so I did my best not to.

I noticed you became concerned with my shitty sleeping patterns, enough to provide suggestions and aids to try to improve my sleep. I just took it as expert advice, even though you’d continually ask me how well I slept nearly every day.

You’d send texts when you were annoyed/frustrated with situations. Anyone can receive great news, I knew we were crossing into Feelz territory when you’d send me a text with various expletives in the middle of the day. Thankfully to your advantage I never thought: “Why the fuck is he complaining to me right now?” I actually thought this was cute. *GAG*

I guess I should’ve known when you came by with nausea medicine, saltine crackers and bananas when I felt like I was going to die from my Vegas comedown. Perhaps it could’ve all made sense after you delivered orange juice when I had just returned from a visit to the ER. I shook off those instances as fast as I could—you just had genuine concern for a friend, you know.

Maybe I should’ve accepted it when you needed to tell me I was important to you and needed to hear it reciprocated. That was a clear cut sign… still not a fact tho.

I probably could’ve lightweight believed when you actually confessed you loved me. BUT… We were both drunk as shit that night and I refuse to believe anything said beyond a legal driving BAC level. What a terrible time to discuss feelings. Also, it’s interesting how I can blackout for 80% of an evening and still mentally capture you at the exact moment you choose to confess your love to me. HAHA. I probably have to thank some deep subconscious women’s psyche skill for allowing me to record that portion of the night in my brain. We also both pretended it didn’t happen, so there’s that fact.

Lastly, I didn’t really think you were jealous about the Firefighter or the latest dude that didn’t make the cut, although you said you felt that way. You always just want to hear my stories and you're either encouraging or comparative. I will admit I failed to realize you stopped becoming encouraging a while ago.

Those are enough signs right? Any normal (non-guarded / undamaged) person would have probably guessed that you were in love with them by experiencing even just a few combinations of the signs above. My heart was constantly trying to tell me so.

Nah, not my super scarred ass. You had to let me know, point blank: “You know I’m in love with you, right?”

OHH. OK. WOW. SHIT.

And with that declaration all signs just confirmed the fact, brain could no longer deny it.

When it came to my end I guess my brain tried to downplay all the signs my heart sent.

I should’ve known when I tried to track down one of those fucking Finals snapbacks. All you said was “I wanted to order one and they already sold out.” Then there I was... checking 3 brick & mortar stores and scouring the internet for that shit. I know it was your birthday, but damn… I never felt compelled to give you any physical token until that moment and I didn't stop until I found it.

Maybe it was obvious when I kept track of your long and arduous job search. I definitely should’ve known when I added you to the “list of unemployed people” in my prayers. Why did I care so much? I cared cause I cared… bleh. Feelings are gross.

I guess I could’ve admitted it when I let you see me cry. I hate people seeing me cry. I hate it even more if I’m crying because of that person. Pride is my deadliest sin, I will run away before I allow people to witness me be emotional if they are the cause.

Personally the signs did not prove anything yet. I don’t even think I was in denial. Brain was putting heart in check like a fuckin boss. It wasn’t until after we hung up on a perfectly “harmless” hour-long phone conversation super recently where I couldn’t stop smiling. Then it hit like a ton of bricks and thats when I knew. Heart shitted all over brain... Heart destroyed brain.

FUCK. I think I’m in love with him.

FUUUUUUUCK.

So here we are, in a fucking mess, in love.

Unfortunately for us we’re not in a position where this love can be entertained, because facts. There are facts and facts and facts against me, you and us. So I’ll just stay in my lane and keep moving in the direction I was originally going. Sadly walking away from love is nothing new to me.

As depressing as that ending sounds I actually feel the opposite. I feel happy and empowered to have love confessed to me. I’m even proud of myself for being able to acknowledge it. I was honest when I said I wasn't going to tell you how I felt, but since you broke the feelings barrier I had to profess my own.

Heart beat the shit outta my brain this time around. Brain’s gonna take it from here, but thank you for letting heart feel.