Because I am a balanced person I need to describe why I am an unattractive lady and will be forever alone. Here are my top 5 reasons:
5. I GO IN on food when I’m starving.
If its a meal time chances are I am starving. I’ll order some stupid large sandwich or burger to eat with bites large enough that it looks like my jaw will go unhinged, then I will alternate each bite with fries or chips. I will even shovel salad into my mouth if that’s what I have to eat. I might try to talk to you during this entire process without even putting down my food. Hella sexy. It’s like those Carl’s Jr.s commercials, but I’d probably be in some sweats and a faded Spongebob t-shirt, ready to go to sleep directly after.
4. I will interrupt you.
My thought process is rapid fire sometimes. You might say something that will trigger an old topic I’ve been meaning to talk about and I will spit out whatever the hell it is when I think of it. I am constantly apologizing to people, “I’m sorry, what is that you were saying again?” Most of the time we never recover back to the previous subject and I’m a jerk. Super rude.
3. I’m a smart ass.
My dome is filled with random facts, both useful and completely pointless. I’ll call you out if I think you’re wrong. I’ll ask to bet when I know I’m right. Sometimes its just a matter of semantics and I’m being a dick on purpose. The worst is when I get into it with my sister who is my equal if not greater when it comes to this skill set.
2. Sometimes I purposefully dance EXTREMELY BAD to embarrass my friends.
During my tenure with my Ex I used to do disgustingly bad body rolls in front of him on the dance floor asking: “You like this? *off beat dance* “Yuuuppppp.” He is a difficult man to embarrass, he gives no fucks about anything, but he would walk away at the sight and ask me to immediately stop. For the record I am actually a really good dancer, however you never know when I’ll pull some of my classic moves. Also, I don’t need to be drunk. I can accomplish this completely sober.
1. I’ll emasculate you.
I’ve gone drink for drink with an alcoholic bartender, only to have him compliment me on my ability to consume such a large volume of alcohol. This sounds like a dumb thing to be proud about but I thanked him graciously. I’ll go to a baseball game and I’ll call pitches and explain the dynamics that no one ever really pays attention to. I’ll recite the first verse of Kendricks “Backseat Freestyle” effortlessly. However, I’ll still ask for help when I need to open a jar of spaghetti sauce, when I need to assemble Ikea furniture (hah, I’m hopeless) and when I need that D.
HAH. Maybe I won’t be so “unattractive” when it comes to me asking for that last part. Yep, probably.