[Hello again, insomnia. I fucking hate you. Published at 4 am. I am going to pay for this in the morning.]
So my heart is pretty busted. I honestly can’t stop crying. I don’t know how that happened, I have that shit guarded. I guess you slipped in somehow (that’s what she said). It must’ve been denial, I had a false sense of security that I could handle whatever I thought we did.
SIKE. My silly brain believed it ran the show, but my heart had other plans.
Bitch went went rogue.
Now me and my heart are drinking scotch on the rocks at 3:00 am spilling our guts out while my brain is trying to get my shit together. Idiotic ass heart—got us all caught up in spiderweb sex.
But in it’s defense, it wasn’t just the sex…
It was the genuine compliments, the sleep overs, the invitations to meet you where ever work sent you, the holding of my hand, a few kisses on the cheek and what seemed like sincere comments while you held me.
It was the excitement of telling you a new funny story and the links you shared that made me laugh so much that I would eventually have to share them with others. It was when you made me laugh in general, which was actually pretty frequent.
It was the certainty that you would message me nearly every work day. I thoroughly enjoyed the consistency you provided in keeping in touch with me—despite our physical distance. I don’t speak to many people on a regular basis as I did with you, and I cried at the realization knowing I asked you to stop. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to.
It was the refusal to believe that I got small butterflies right before I would see you in person, especially when I got to Baltimore. I play my shit too cool, but I would never in my life get on a bus for 3 hours “just for D,” even if “D had suite tickets to an Orioles game at Camden Yards.”
It was you stating that you discovered this blog and have kept up with it ever since. I hated/loved every time you brought it up, but you already knew that. I hope you’re reading this now. I’m sure you are.
It was when you sent me this song to listen to, and now when I hear it I cannot help but think of you. You told me you “liked the lyrics” or something. I think I was too preoccupied that day and wasn't fully able to listen or research the lyrics, when I finally did I tried to figure out if you were trying to tell me something. IDK tho, I could be making that shit up completely. I’m also dense as fuck, so its one or the other. *Shrugs* I guess I’ll never know at this point.
It was when I caught odd facts about you as they came along and vice versa. It was the fact that I felt you truly wanted to learn about me, my personality and my habits. You paid so much attention. I hated when you were able to call me out on shit. I also loved it—you already know that.
It was close to 2 years of learning about another man who wasn’t my ex and realizing I could feel something for someone else. It was nearly 2 years of friendship in general.
It was realizing you weren’t “just D” as much as I fucked around and referred to you as that. And to elaborate on your question from earlier, yes, it was definitely more than physical—I have a whole list at this point. Feel free to read this over and over if you like.
It was when you confessed you were concerned about potentially catching feelings last November. I would’ve been seriously offended if you never got to that point.
It was when you would forever fish for compliments or validation and I would always try to indirectly provide an answer for you, because I am a jerk. I'm sure this post is validation x 1,000. ;-)
It was when I realized I thought about you more than I should, when I figured out I wanted more than you could probably provide and that I was getting in way too deep.
It was when tears ran down my face when I said I’d miss you.
My brain had nothing on that one... #HeartWins
I still lose.