Today is the worst day I've had since moving here.
Today he turned 30 years old.
I have spent every birthday with him from the time he turned 18 up until last year. I no longer have any real reason to be around to celebrate with him. My time has passed. Our time has passed.
I'm usually strong as fuck, but today—I'm going to grant myself a hall pass. I've been a trooper since shit hit the fan, and as much as I will never admit it out loud, my heart is still fucking broken and in the process of healing itself. And even though I'm wise enough to know that he fucked up a beautiful thing known as our marriage—he was the one person who knew me inside and out and the very best friend I've ever had.
Its fine. I accept where we are and where we're headed individually.
But today…
Its real, cause I always thought I would be there to celebrate with him—to thank God and his parents for creating him, like previous years.
I always thought I'd plan this elaborate birthday, surprise him with some type of bo$$ watch and close out an entire bar.
Not this.
Not me bawling my fucking eyes out with reality slapping me in the face.
He's over there. I'm over here. We're divorcing—as if my move to NY wasn't confirmation enough that we were going down separate roads, him celebrating his 30th birthday without me is the last nail on the coffin. Actually—I take that back. I still have to get past July 7th, of which I hope to be hiding out in a cave away from the world.
But its all good. I'm still trusting our individual struggles and paths, cause we're meant to go down these roads for a reason. Que sera sera.
P.S. Just to show you that I'm ok, here's a quick anecdote of me making fun of myself: Instead of drowning my sorrows with whiskey after work, I decided to take a long walk home. I randomly passed by an ice cream shop and thought it would be an excellent idea to consume my feelings by eating dessert before dinner. The ice cream showed to be a useful distraction until I finished it, fifteen minutes later. Then I got my ass Popeyes cause I needed to eat more feelings. And none of this shit worked because after I completed dinner I really felt like shit and proceeded to cry like an emotional wreck for an hour+. And here i am now blogging for all to read.