I’ll wake you up with my 4 alarms in the morning. You’ll hear the first one go off an hour before I even have to get up. Then 3 will follow in 15 minute increments. It’s fucking obnoxious, my only apology and bonus for you is that you get to wake up next to me. *Cheesy emoji here*
Hopefully we don’t have the same morning routine cause I will remain in bed until the moment you start stirring and then I will get up lightning quick to beat you to the bathroom. Don’t worry, I prefer taking showers at night. I don’t take that long in the am. I will blow up the bathroom though. I’m not even sorry, my digestive system goes to work. I can’t apologize for that shit. Literally. Febreeze is our friend.
I will steal your clothes. You’ll get frustrated cause you’ll look for something and I’ll tell you its dirty. Ohh. Your chambray button up? Yeah I wore that yesterday with leggings. I’ll be on thin ice for this one, constantly. I’ll steal your fitted hats / snapbacks on game days. You must learn to buy 2 of everything, or share. I’m ok with sharing.
I will send you emails / texts / links throughout the day of stupid shit. I’ll tell you that Taco Bell is adding a new biscuit taco to its breakfast menu. Why would I tell you that? Cause I read about it. Have I ever had Taco Bell for breakfast? No. Do I plan on it? I don’t foresee that in my future, but I’ll read about ridiculous things like that. I will also send you music, whether you actually like it or not. Most of the time I am pretty good. You’ll get annoyed cause half the shit I send off is still Trap and you’ll tell me its not always time to turnup. So I’ll send you Hall & Oates. Fine then, let’s pretend we’re easy-listening on a fucking yacht. That works too.
I’ll send you an email with random subject lines of something you would actually open, but once you click though all you will see is the word “PENIS” in giant red letters, large enough for you coworkers to read. Got you. They won’t believe you when you tell them I sent that. I have this innocent look about me, of course I would never do that.
I’ll pack your ass baon, cause we should both save dough and calories. There will be a stupid drawing on a post it of some kind of vegetable telling you a joke. You collect these in a drawer in your desk. Sometimes I’ll be nice and I’ll tell you I love you or some shit like that. I’ll draw a picture of corn saying it, throwing up at the same damn time. Yeah. That’s more like me.
Sometimes I’ll send you a selfie of me with my 3pm coffee. I’ll complain about my projects and demanding clients and tell you about the unbelievable requests they have. You’ll tell me the day is almost done. I will only respond with the emoji that has a “wahhhhh” face. That one is my favorite. I feel like that 49% of the time.
Then I’ll sext you. I’ll sext you so hard we both wake up out of our midday coma.
If it's not Thursday, we’ll cook at home. If it's Thursday that's date night. If it's Friday we’re drinking. Sometimes we mix up the order of this and we’re drunk on a Tuesday. Ohh well, it happens. I say we can eat whatever it is you want until I reject your first 5 suggestions. I give you a sour face, after sour face, after sour face. You’ll have a good pick though, eventually.
I want to eat ice cream every day, but I don’t.
We have sex. We have tons of sex, while Netflix or Hulu is playing in the background. Nah, maybe it's not tons of sex. I have to be realistic. Nah, fuck that. We have tons of sex.
We’ll crack jokes, KTFO and do it all again the next day—maybe more, maybe less.
That's a day in the life.